A few years ago, God gave me a message.  I knew it would be what I needed to hear because that is what I had prayed for, but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.  It was a message about contentment.  Let me explain the circumstances the message was delivered in.   I had gone to visit a church which I loved listening to online with a few of my friends.  The preacher was an anointed minister, and I had enjoyed other messages that he preached.  So I went there wanting to hear from God and asking him to speak to me what I needed to hear for the next part of my life.  I had been in a place of transition and was needing God to lead me.  Surely, it would be exciting, and I was ready to be brave and set off on a new adventure.  I just knew that the message would be what God needed me to hear and what he was speaking to me. Imagine my disappointment when it was not a message about something new or exciting happening.  No instead, it was a message that nothing would change, but that I had to.  That my attitude had to change.  That I would have to choose contentment.  That things may even get worse, but still, I could rest and trust and be content.  Really God! Nothing would change, just me.  Yes, that was the message, I had to fully trust, rest, and be content where he had me. He was not moving me to where I thought I should be.  It made me angry and frustrated that this was what God was doing in my life.  Yet the message was loud and clear, choose contentment.  This was no small fete.  

My life at 40 was not what I had ever imagined it would be.  I was in a 9 to 5 job working at my local Christian university.  Underemployed is what you would call my situation at that time, I was being paid hourly.  I had a master’s degree in teaching, but was not teaching.  My job could be done by someone with far less education behind them. Honestly, it was a struggle to live making what I made.  Wow, it was humbling.  So this was one of the struggles I had with contentment.  I went from making more than enough when I was married, to a single teacher making roughly half that amount which was adequate, to making about $15,000 less than even that reduced amount. As you can see my situation financially got progressively more difficult and I was barely making ends meet.  I did not really know how to make my financial situation better either, so it was a source of great frustration.  To top it all off that year, other unforeseen financial situations put me in the precarious position of almost losing my home.  It was an extremely difficult year.  The same year that God was calling me to contentment.  How could I be content when in need?

Not only was my financial situation tenuous at best, but parenting 4 children as a single mother was very difficult.  I had a nearly grown daughter determined to grow up too fast and leave, another daughter questioning who she was and what she wanted from life who I worried for often as she adjusted to HS life and situations I could not protect her from.  My boys were a handful, with all their wild energy, challenged me. My only solution, that I could afford, was to have them play outside and work on training them the best I could.  I spent many days feeling barely adequate as a parent at best, but mostly I felt completely inadequate. Often times I was plagued with feeling like I was a weak parent who made errors all of the time.  Single parenthood was so much more difficult than I could have ever imagined it would be and there were days I wondered why I even tried.  I wanted to shut down and quit, but how could I?  The kids needed me.  So I would pull myself up by my boot straps and keep trekking forward but even that was becoming something I no longer wanted to do.  Discontentment was driving me places I did not think I would ever go or even want to go.    

Add to that my friendships at the time were complicated and painful.  It had been a year of betrayal, confusion, and tension in my friendships.  Groups that had held such safety for me became places where I had to check myself and play pretend.  In some ways I was becoming isolated again and I desperately needed the support of the body of Christ.  I hated it, because I lost the soft, safe place and found nowhere to rest or just be myself.  Only a few relationships were safe and even in those I began to make questionable decisions.  I was not coping well and my habits progressively became more destructive.  Once again discontentment was driving me to seek ways to numb the disappointment and frustration. It was infecting and harming my relationships and my life.  

Remaining single, 3 years after my divorce and 4 years after being separated from my ex husband, was also difficult.  I didn’t want to have to carry the burden of my life and all the responsibilities on my own.  Tired, that is how I felt every day.   There was no relief in sight, no knight riding in because a princess with this much baggage and responsibility built in was not very desirable.  Let’s just say, my relationship status was not likely to change and I accepted that. I was still healing and had no real trust in men.  So, a relationship was out of the question and as much as I wanted to not be alone, I knew that it would have been wrong to just get into a relationship so someone could support me.  If I could not and would not have a partner, what could I even hope for?  I would wished for some relief or support and found only promises in God’s word that I was not alone, that God was with me, but even those promises felt hollow.  I felt so very alone.

It seemed that everywhere I looked in my life I saw work, responsibility, frustration, and cares, unending cares. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, who I wanted to be, or what I wanted to be.  This chaotic, frustrated state was the state into which God said be content.  What was he thinking?  How could I be content here?  Maybe once he fixed everything, right?  Wrong, that is not how contentment works.  Contentment starts at what is, at where you are right now, so I was at least in the right starting place.  

    God brought to my mind a few things I needed to see.  There were good things in my life, not just challenging ones.  I had a strong relationship with the Lord.  I knew where my help came from although my faith was not always sight or as strong as I wanted it to be.  I could not trace his hand, but I did understand his intent towards me.  I knew that if I did not have my faith in God, I would have quit.  Trust me, there were many days when I wanted to even with God in my life.  I wanted to walk away from every responsibility, from all the things and people pulling on me, and just disappear.   But God was there, and so, I stuck it out.  Yet to me I was in the boat in the storm, with the winds howling around me, water whipping over the sides.  I felt as if I was bailing out the water and losing the battle. And to this God was saying be content.  Rest.  Stop. Seriously, how could I?  Who would solve my problems if I didn’t?  I almost caught myself saying “Don’t you even care if I die Jesus”, no different than the disciples questioning Jesus during the storm.  Of course, he cares!  Of course, he will sustain me!  He was not sleeping for the sake of sleeping.  No, he was just showing me there is nothing to worry about.  Yet all my eyes saw was the storm and him sleeping and God saying be content.  

What I needed was some truth and some perspective to help me understand why this was the message God was giving me.  As I was writing this here, I found some.  Christ reminded me that he sees beyond the waves and the wind and the howling seas.  He sees why, where, how, and what.  He sees it all and he is not concerned.  So why am I?  That is what he is asking me? I know it sounds so simple, too simple, but it’s true. If he is not fretting or unable to take care of me, why am I worried and questioning.  In those times of need I was never destitute.  When I struggled as parent, God gave me wisdom and strength.  When I felt completely alone, he would send reminders that he saw me and my feelings were not true, I wasn’t alone. 

If I know he loves me and he is working it all for my good then why am I doubting and yes, restlessly striving to save myself.  He has called me to trust, to rest, and to know that what he has provided is all I need.    You see, we live content because we are satisfied with Him, not with our situation.  We live resting because He is enough, he has done enough, and will provide enough.  We should live like we believe it.  Whether in physical plenty or want, whether in absolute stillness or in seeming chaos, whether our relationships are easy/what we want or we do not have the ones we think will complete something in us, whether our responsibilities seem insurmountable, or our life is easy, no matter what, nothing is out of his control or not in his hands.  Not one moment that we face surprises him, and for each one he is prepared and has made provision.  

It’s not the storm or the circumstances that needs to change for me to find contentment, it is my focus.  I need to look to Christ and only him.  I need to stop looking at my circumstances.  There is nothing lacking in Christ, there is no chaos in him, there is no struggle in him, only peace. In him I need to find my peace.  I need to cling to him, rest beside him in the boat, and trust that when he says I will get you to the other side, that he will.  He could keep me afloat without a boat, in the middle of a hurricane, or on the dullest sea.  He is what is holding me together, not my will power, not my strength or wisdom, and not every circumstance being perfect. Not only that but it is amazing to find that his love sustains me, that his grace covers me, and that his hope causes me to preserve no matter what.  

I’m still in the boat, still life will roar around me, and honestly, that will never change but I can change. I can be content because the only one who really matters is with me, and he does not fail me.  I choose peace, I choose to put my eyes on him, and I choose his way.  I choose contentment! How about you?

I know we each have a story, disappointments and challenges a plenty.  But you can start where you are, and choose contentment too.  Maybe you have been bailing out water and are tired like I was, try a new way? Rest and Trust. Know that the storm will most likely rage on, but you can let God’s peace reign over you, no matter the weather. Maybe the contentment message makes you just as angry as it first made me, still shift your focus.  Sit beside him and rest awhile, tell him your troubles, you can’t save yourself from them all, and trust me, if he’s not frantic them, you don’t need to be either.  The answers and provision will come, your faith will eventually be sight even if it isn’t now.  Somehow, someway, he will make it all right.  Till then find rest and peace in a life lived contented.          

Scriptures: Philippians 4:11-13, 2 Cor. 12:10, 1 Tim. 6:6-8, Matt. 6:19-21, Matt 6:33, 2 Cor. 9:8, Phil. 4:19, 2 Peter 1:3, Luke 12:7, Isiah 26:3, Colossians 3:1