Things are not at all what I expected. Not today, not this last year, or the last decade, or even really my whole life. I sit in bed tonight contemplating and having to take melatonin to help me sleep. Why because so many things keep running through my head, I can’t calm my mind. I wish I had learned how to do this because it seems others have it mastered.  Or have they?

I was thinking about my day. If I’m being brutally honest, a lot of it was frustrating. I had work meetings, where I’m having to coordinate and workout situations. On one we were supposed to have something ready today and it’s not. I had to be the bearer of bad news for the client. Delays are never appreciated. So, I thought I’ll improve my day by getting out, so I went and visited with my parents. I spent some time with my mom at the beauty salon, it was OK at least I got to be with her. Then we went back to her house, and she made dinner. It became obvious that my dad was not in the best of moods. He has very strong political beliefs and I brought up the wrong subject. I also had a shorter fuse, so my children’s small behaviors were getting on my nerves. I made the mistake of correcting them in front of my father. When my son did not immediately respond to my correction, my dad proceeded to say what he would do to my son if he did not listen, he was parenting my son and doing so harshly, like he had parented me. I had to bite my tongue.  It’s my place to discipline my children, I didn’t need a defender, and also the harshness is a reminder of the pain of my childhood. I had forgiven my father for all of the painful humiliating and cruel punishments of my childhood because they’re gone and done, and forgiveness is the right thing to do after all there’s no changing what happened. So, I forgive and let go in order to not be captive to my troubled past.  Yet I had resolved that I won’t let that be the reality for my children. Although I could not protect myself, I could protect them. When my father gets in moods like that it’s best just to leave quickly in order to avoid painful reminders that trigger protective angry reactions.  I choose the better part of valor, so we left right after dinner. 

After trudging through target to get a few needed items, and picking up a bottle of wine while I was listening to my sons bicker with each other, maybe I shouldn’t have admit that but it’s the truth. I finally got home. Time to rest right? No, my sons new cell phone had to be activated, since he’s waited 13 years for a cell phone, he didn’t want to wait another day. So, I spent my Friday evening at home frustratingly trying to get the cell phone activated and set-up. The whole time I just wanted to scream because I’m tired, sometimes I feel like I’m always tired. Like I wake up that way and go to bed that way. It’s not that the day was a bad day, honestly it could have been worse, it was just OK. Like a lot of my days. Maybe you have a lot of days like that too.  Routine, full of obligations to fulfill, frustrations coming from relationships and situations, and life.  It would be easy to look at the reality and get depressed or tired.  To want to vent and complain, after all there was a lot that happened that day, that happen every day for us all really. Yet as I sat here contemplating, I realized something important.  I am still blessed, and I can choose thankfulness, even in this moment.  I can be thankful in this OK, long day. 

As I laid in bed, with tears flowing down my face, writing this. God brought to mind a conversation I’d had with my son just a few days ago. We were talking about finances, I’m not sure how we got on that subject. My car was having a few issues of late, and I had to pay for them, that may be how it came up. However, the subject was introduced into the conversation, we discussed finances. I was saying to him that it wasn’t reasonable to get a newer or new car at the time because prices were high with the economy in recession. So, I would just have to stick it out for a while. My ex-husband, his father somehow came into the conversation. I think maybe my son mentioned that his dad would put extra money aside to invest, and that’s wise. But all I could hear was that his dad had money to set aside, when I knew how much was in my bank and it wasn’t much.  I knew how little I was able to save because there were constant expenses with the kids. Whether it was clothes or doctors’ bills or just regular bills that we accrue such as groceries. It’s expensive to be a parent. Hearing that my ex-husband would have extra money to invest and knowing he had a new truck while my vehicle was aging and breaking, I had a few weak moments.  Moments where I thought or felt envious of what I perceived as his better situation. I had to stop myself because the truth is I had a great deal to be thankful for even if I did not have what I perceived him as having.. I was much more blessed than I was in need.  Pulling back from my initial bitter thoughts and words I changed course, and I told my son that I needed to remember everything I did have instead of thinking about what I didn’t. I also admitted that I needed to only look inward at my attitude and not outward at what someone else has or doesn’t have.  This was a moment I realized I needed to check myself.

Sitting here in my bed tonight, thinking about my day, and feeling down about it, wallowing in pity if you will, I realized I needed to check myself again. What am I doing thinking about the way I think things should be or how the day should have gone. I’ve had a friend who’s been in the hospital for 35 days and almost died. I might not have had the perfect day, but I wasn’t in the hospital sick. Putting myself in the victim position to somehow prove that I’m in a bad place so I can feel sorry for myself is not the right attitude. What I did have today was a job that I can make enough at to pay my bills and not only that but even have a little leftover to do things that I might like sometimes. The kids might cost a lot of money and be an expense but praise God I make enough to support my family and my kids are worth it the effort. Maybe I don’t have very much saved but, my future is not secure because of an account with a bunch of money in it, it’s secure because it’s in God’s hands. Finally, maybe my father has become a grumpy old man, but he’s alive for me to visit. It has been said that money doesn’t buy happiness, so I also know that even though others might have more than me, or a nicer car, that doesn’t mean that they are any happier than I am.  Additionally, it doesn’t mean that they are more blessed than I am, or they are somehow more loved by God than I am. I need to get over myself and stop coveting, and instead choose thankfulness.

The truth is, what is – just is, that’s my life and my circumstances.  These are both out of my control all too often.  My attitude towards them is my choice. Even when my life isn’t great, I can still choose a thankful spirit. To see through eyes of hope and knowing the good things I have been blessed with.

These are not fun truths, but these are truths, nonetheless. Truths that we all must face in our lives, especially in the life of a believer.  Our peace, hope, and joy were never meant to be centered on the circumstances of our day, of the year, of the decade, or of our lifetime. What will our response be to this truth?  What will my response be? 

I’m going to check myself, ask God to correct my attitude, ask him to help me keep my eyes on him and not on these silly things that I think matter in a moment but don’t really.  What are these momentary troubles in comparison to eternity that we will have with God. Maybe you’re like me, maybe it’s been a rough day or year or week. Maybe it’s been even worse for you, hellish even, but still the principle is the same. We don’t have to be victims of the circumstances of our life, or of our days. We could instead let the attitude and position of our heart be set by the Holy Spirit, by God himself. Set our faith toward Christ and trust, that’s our choice. 

I told my other son we don’t get to choose how we die, not in this life, but we do get to choose how we live. And we don’t get to choose what life brings us either, but we can choose who we are in each of those moments. Rise above, let his peace, hope, and joy carry you and sustain you. Be unwavering and unchanging no matter what is happening around you. Keep doing it every day, on the days when everything is right as rain, or on the days when it is darkest. Remember there is no place so dark that his light cannot penetrate it.  The peace of God doesn’t waver as it covers you. The hope for a bright future and a home with Christ forever and the joy that we know is set before us are our strength and hope. These truths don’t change, fade, or diminish.  And there is one more important thing to remember. I know I’ve written about it before but it’s true. When Peter was walking on water he sank when he looked at the waves. I think that’s what I’ve made a mistake on the last week, I’m looking at the waves. Instead, when Peter looked at Christ he walked on the water and did the impossible. It’s the same for me and you. When I look at Christ and keep my focus on him, I’ll be able to do the impossible as well as hold on to a peace that passes all understanding.  I will also have joy even in sorrow and endure/persevere even great hardship still always hoping. It sounds so simple right. We all know it is hard, but with God’s help we can because his strength is made perfect in our weakness. 

God help me walk on the water and help me to only see you and not storm.  Enable me to remember your many blessings for me.  Remind me that you knew that I would take my eyes away sometimes and lose focus, but you were still there waiting for me to look back and reaching out your hand to pull me out of the water. Thank you, father, for loving me in every moment, in my best and in my worst, when I do it right and when I need to check myself.  I know you’re building character in me, and I praise you with a thankful heart.