Recently I have been struggling. As I’m going through the process of divorce, and it is a process because it does not happen overnight.  Neither was the cause an immediate thing. I am surrounded by death, I am at an ending, a graveside. This death of a marriage is something I have been grieving. 

Like others who have come through divorce or separation I have been angry, sleepless, fearful of the future and all the unknowns.  I have been hurting and even have made a few negative choices.  I have fallen a little in pursuit of whatever it takes to numb the pain. Last night, again up late, I cried out to God. I felt done, finally ready to release this. 

I could not fix my situation, myself, or even protect my children. Lost and locked in my grief I became powerless against the overwhelming feeling of loss. I was buried alive in my grief.  Yet I could also see clearly that I was standing alongside the grave of my dead marriage. The picture in my mind was of me standing there, at a graveside and on the tombstone here lies What could have been, my marriage, promises made, and my love for him.  All of it over and dead. It occurred to me the only way out was to start over. Climb out of the hole, claw my way out if I had to, brush the dirt off, and walk away.  I needed to begin again. I can’t keep looking back, the good and the bad, all of it I have to walk away from. 

In this pivotal moment in my life, I cried out for a new vision, a new purpose, because holding on to the old one was killing me. It was killing my spirit, hurting my children, and destroying my life. It was separating me from God. 

So here goes, I’m at a beginning, not the same as I was at the first start because all I left behind affected and changed me. I’m hoping that God will heal me, so I don’t let the pain or the jadedness get in my way of really living. I don’t want the past to hold me back as I walk forward on this new path that God has set me on. Keeping my eyes open toward the one who pulled me from the deep pit, and looking only to him for hope, love, and guidance I start this new beginning. God give me courage to walk forward, leaving it all behind and never looking back. What God has in store for me, I don’t know, but I know it will be beyond what I can imagine or even dream, that’s what he has promised me.  

If you like me, have been here.  Facing the death of what was, and it has been keeping you captive.  Be courageous and walk away from the grave of what ifs and what was.  Walk forward to what can be. At least as a believer we have the assurance that we are not starting again alone or in our own power.  We need only press forward and let go of the things that are behind.  So do it, start again. That’s what I am going to do.