If you are musical like me you love lyrics.  When I listen to songs it is hard for me to not think of a person who that song would be dedicated to.  Most of the times they are harmless thoughts, but the other day I had to pause.  You see I heard a song and I was thinking about how I could sing this to a guy friend that was in my life at the time.  The basic message of the song was we are just friends, nothing more so don’t get any ideas.  This does happen in real life, people are friends, and their feelings can get confused especially when they spend a lot of time in each other’s company.  This confusion was happening to me and altering my motives for our friendship. I needed to check myself because I realized I was in the wrong. It was one of those moments where God hits you upside your head with a truth. What truth was he showing me?  

The truth was, I needed to check the motivation and intentions I was coming with in regards to that particular friend. It had long since been determined by both of us that we would only ever be friends and marriage and a couple life together was not in the cards for us, but then there were moments when I wished it was more. Weak moments. This realization was hard because after all who wants to check themselves? Who wants to admit that they have selfish motives in a friendship?

Sometimes I could be too girly or flirty, remember we were only friends and never intended to be anything more. What was the point in being flirty? It’s not hard to figure out and it was certainly not a Godly motive. Maybe I didn’t show it all the time around him, but I did it often enough that he would notice and he did.  Yet I knew that we were both believers and that in a true Godly friendship there are places you don’t go, even in your mind.  Lines you don’t cross in word or action.  Innuendos you shouldn’t make.  I looked in the mirror that day and the mirror showed me that I was the one in the wrong.   I was being the temptress, the one who toyed with how close to the line I could get.  Wow, I did not like the thought.  The reasons didn’t make it better.  I did it because I could, because I let myself want something that was not mine to want.  Because I knew he would not take away his friendship or that was what I banked on.  I had ulterior motives in our relationship and I had to admit it to myself.  I knew that was not fair to him, not the right way to be, especially as a fellow believer. I determined to set a new course in our friendship.  

            When you know that someone is a friend you should care enough about their spiritual success to put aside your hidden agendas.  To not behave in ways meant to attract or distract them. We certainly shouldn’t be tempting our friends to sin, to do things that could inhibit their relationship with God, or to pursue paths that could potential harm them. It wasn’t wrong that I would, as a woman, want to attract a partner or desire to be sought after. The problem was that would never be my friend’s role to fulfill in my life so it was wrong for me to seek that from him.

You probably think that this is just silly, or maybe you think it’s too harsh, but it is not.  How many times do friends act in ways that are not actually good for the other friends?  This is not always about attraction but there can be other ways to misuse our friends or to take advantage of our relationships. There are ways to consider only your own wants and needs and not care about the cost to them. The truth is that if you have your friend’s best interest in mind, you will put your hidden agendas aside and care more about them than getting what you think you want or need.. 

            In all our relationships we interact with people, for different reasons, and we invest into them and there is usually a payoff. We do get something out of our friendships and it’s different for different friendships. This is natural and it is not wrong. Where can things go wrong then in these relationships? Hidden agendas, unbalanced relationships, one sided relationships, caring only for yourself and not your friend or their spiritual life, etc… Lots can go wrong.

Mostly it starts with our motivations for having a relationship with a friend. People don’t talk about their motives and we don’t like being completely honest with ourselves about them, but we should.  We can’t just sidestep the issue and pretend that all is well in our relationships as believers.  I see clearly now that things went wrong in my friendship with him when I changed in my mind about why I was in it.  It wasn’t about what was good for him or right, it became about what I wanted. Have you done that?  I’m not saying it is wrong to receive from your friends. Most of the time even though we receive something from our friendships (companionship, support, encouragement, fun) we give back in equal measure as we are taking.  It is the nature of relationships after all, the give and the take.  It’s only when it is unbalanced or when the taking is for the wrong motives that we need to proceed with caution. That’s when we need to ask ourselves the hard questions. In that moment, I realized I needed to make sure I was investing in my friendships for the right reasons and it was time to make a change.

            So what shouldn’t we expect in our relationships with our friends? What’s the wrong thing to want from them? Basically, it is not right to want from your friends something they were never meant to give. They cannot bring you contentment, which is your own decision or choice.  They cannot cure your loneliness, you can feel absolutely isolated while surrounded by many “friends”.  They cannot give you purpose, you have to find the path for your life and meaning in Christ.  They cannot right all the wrongs inside you, you have to face your own demons. So now you’re thinking what good are friends then?  What benefit do they bring to my life?  It’s simple really. Friends stand by you as you face those demons, supporting you and cheering you on.  They remind you where your purpose is found and even encourage you in the gifting and service they see God doing in and through your life.  They show you that even though we are all alone, we are not alone, because we are alone together.  They live their lives demonstrating contentment in Christ, or at least they try to, that they have decided to live in as well.  Your friends are like the breeze on a hot day, a long cold drink after working in the sun, or that warm blanket around your shoulders in the dead of winter.  They don’t change the situations in your life, they make them feel a little less, well less whatever discomfort you are in and help make it more bearable. So isn’t it worth making sure you have right motive, balance and proper care of those relationships.

In your relationships, perhaps you should check your motives as I have had to do.   Maybe there are some friendships that can be improved by a little honesty with yourself, by looking at the image in the mirror and making sure that you are really being the friend you should be.  Remember, if you lack wisdom in what to do, ask God, after all he created both you and your friends.  Whatever you do, don’t continue to do what you know is not right in your relationships.  It will cost you or them and neither would be an acceptable loss. Remember, the best model of how to be a friend is Christ.  Look to his example.  It matters greatly that we do this as believers so we can model true friendship in a world where it really is only about what we can get from people and the cost to them doesn’t matter.  Let’s together, show them a better way, the way to be a true friend.