Lately I’ve been struggling with an aspect of depression that I don’t really understand. It’s not logical. I used to wonder why people would be depressed when there was nothing wrong. They have a good life, relatively few problems, and yet they are consumed with depression. It makes sense for people to be depressed who are grieving or dealing with loss and sickness. It makes sense for people to be depressed if their circumstances are depressing or difficult but to feel that feeling when the sky is blue, your bank account is full, and you have people who love you makes no sense.

It’s important to address this illogical depression because people feel alone in what they’re experiencing. So, I think talking about this particular brand of depression may help someone else realize that other people struggles similarly. That it’s OK to struggle and we’re not bad or weak people because we go through this. These valleys explainable or unexplainable, we will walk through in life, none of us are exempt.

For me, the downward spiral into depression starts with numbness. When everything starts to feel hollow. Things that should excite me or that I should look forward to just feel blah. I spend time with my friends and enjoy myself, but I don’t really because there’s this underlying emptiness. It’s like it sucks the enjoyment out of moments that I would otherwise find happiness and fulfillment in. A fulfilling day at work, a success on a project, an accomplishment that my children have achieved, or fun times with family and friends all feel less satisfying. I truly don’t understand why I feel the hollow feeling because everything is right except for what’s inside of me. 

What do I do about this slow fade into depression? Am I powerless against it? No, certainly not. We all have things we can do to help ourselves. First, like I’m doing right now, we have to admit it. They always say that’s the first step. After we admit we act. How? By living and engaging in life anyway. The dangerous thing about depression is it’s like an abusive lover. It wants to isolate you away from everyone else so you don’t know that you can get help. So that you think you’re absolutely alone and that you probably deserve it. So it’s so important that we do not allow a season of depression drive us away from the very things and people that could pull us out of them. 

Yes, we admit and we fighting the good fight against it but there is more. Also we must not condemn ourselves for feeling depressed. I don’t understand why these periods of numbness and dissatisfaction settle over me. It’s like they’re gray clouds that descend in a very beautiful blue sky for no apparent reason. I feel ridiculous like Eeyore moping around when everyone else is happy in the story. Yet it’s actually how I feel, completely downcast and for no good reason. Yet I’m not going to condemn myself for feeling this way. I recognize I’m not weak, ridiculous, or wrong for this feeling of nothingness and discouragement. Neither should you. Let’s not condemn ourselves when Christ certainly is not condemning us.  

It also makes me feel a little better when I read in scripture about many of the different authors who had their own struggles with these periods of depression. Didn’t the Psalmist ask “why are you downcast oh my soul? Put your hope in God.” Yeah, I’ve asked myself that question and millions of other people have to.  I am not alone and neither are you.  

So, I’ll keep on keeping on and I’ll recognize that this hollow feeling will pass. I think my struggles with depression over the last 10 years of my life has given me a new perspective about the 23rd Psalms. When we go through those dark times in our life it’s like walking through the valley of the shadow of death. But even here I will not fear evil because I know God is with me. He’s with me when I feel the joy of every moment I’m living in and he’s with me when I’m completely numb and everything feels unsatisfying. He loves me when my joy is full and he loves me even more when I’m downcast and broken hearted. He always is with me and that’s what I’m going to hold on to here.

So as I go about my day full of plans that should make me feel so joyful, yet I feel completely empty inside I’ll bring this to mind and then I’ll have hope. That God is faithful to me. That somehow his mercies are new every morning whether I see them, feel them, or whether I don’t. Lastly, that no matter how dark the night the dawn will come and no matter how deep the valley the land will start to slope up and there will be another mountain. That mountain will present challenges all its own, but I’ll be ready for it.

It’s really OK to not be OK. Go ahead admit it, you’ll feel better. Give yourself some grace, you are not Superman or Wonder Woman, it’s ok to struggle. Don’t give up if you feel like I do (or you feel numb like I do.) Don’t think that you’re alone because you’re not. Many other people are fighting the same battle, they walk in the same valley as you. Keep your head up and keep pushing forward even when you don’t feel like it. Stay connected even when you want to hide in a cave and disappear and be away from the very things and people you need to help you. Do not condemn yourself, he does not condemn you for your struggles. Know that God’s rod and staff, that his very presence, can be a comfort to you even in a dark place, even through seasons of depression.