I was prepared for sorrow.  After all, I had lost something I hoped for.  My life was, well, it was a different life than what I had ever imagined I’d experience.  Honestly, life was disappointing and painful and all too real.  Not bad, just not good or as great as I wanted it to be.  I did not think I would get a fairy tale, but I did not expect this.  So the idea I would feel down or sadness made absolute sense.  

I was prepared for denial, because that had been my go to for most of my life, although I was growing out of that.  Denial wasn’t my go to option anymore because I was starting to face my life and problems instead of not facing them..  

I was even prepared for anger and pain associated with loss and disappointment.  After all, I had plenty of reasons to be angry over those who had legitimately hurt me with their selfish actions. The actions that lead to pain or disappoint in my life..  

Yet to my surprise, what came instead of the sorrow, denial, pain, or anger was something I was completely unprepared for, apathy.  

Apathy, that feeling of not feeling, caring, or wanting.  It was like I went through the motions of my day completely blank.  I had always wanted. I had hopes and dreams.  I had always had some motivation from my feelings to live from.  So when this numbness set in, I felt such a terrible emptiness.  I didn’t even care that I didn’t care, although logically I knew I should.  

The only emotions I would feel were the extreme ones and it was with an odd detached sense of the emotion.  Things that I had the will to power through before, I just no longer saw the point or had the motivation to push through.  Why even try?  It was disconcerting.  You see I realized that I had lived from emotion, from some intrinsic drive to keep going.  With that gone, I was at a loss about what to do and why to keep living.   

One thing I have learned as I have grown is that when you lack wisdom or understanding you ask God for it.  So I asked God, what to do with this?  In spite of feeling that the apathy made me look bad or weak, I knew I needed Godly counsel and prayer.  So I reached out to a few trusted friends about my emotionless situation.  I even researched apathy and found a few other sources such as google.  I found that what I was feeling was completely normal, although that didn’t make me feel better.  

Wonder of all wonder, everyone will be in this unmotivated, and in an apathetic state at some time in their life.  Interestingly enough I discovered that the lack of feeling was a feeling in and of itself.  More importantly, I learned that there are ways to cope and that like all emotions it would only last for a season.   The trick would be thriving even in this season.   

I could find a way to live even here by reaching out. I would have to choose to continue to go through the motions even when I didn’t feel it.  I knew that only God could pull me from the deep emotionless mire I was stuck in.  He rescues us in part through the support of others, through the comfort of the Holy Spirit, and through his word.  When someone is being pulled in by quicksand you don’t get picky about what you use to help them out.  You get the closest and most solid looking lifeline.  In that moment I realized that I had lifelines but I just needed to reach out and take them. This had to be done without the emotions to motivate me, This time I would have to choose.  I would have to choose to keep reaching even when I didn’t feel anything, to keep living even when I just wasn’t sure I even wanted to, and to have hope that this season like all others would pass. Oh, I realize even though it will pass most likely it will return again at some point in my life when I have to face grief again.  Apathy, Sorrow, Anger, Denial, Depression, and Doubt – none of these can separate us for God’s love.  I’m holding on to that.  If you find yourself here, in a place not much dissimilar to mine, take heart.  Choose life even when you don’t feel it. Remember above every storm cloud that blocks our view of it, the Son never stops shining on you! The warmth of it rays will eventually reach you and you will feel them warm on your face again.   You will feel again.