I have this mower that functions correctly, it will mow, but the handle, well it’s broken really. You can move the handle up and down in a way that it’s not supposed to move. I started thinking about this. How something can be broken but still function or at least serve the function that it was meant to serve. This thought struck me because as a human that’s lived 45 years, had heartbreak multiple times, and who has been disappointed in relationships, I have said to myself that my heart just doesn’t work right anymore. It’s a joke really but it’s not very funny. The truth is these heartaches have affected me and caused me to be more cautious, perhaps a little jaded, and hopefully a little bit wiser.  My heart functions but definitely not the same.

When I was young, I had rose colored glasses on for sure. I looked at the world always in a very positive way. I still do see it positively but it’s not really the same. Long ago, I was just sure that people could change, and things would work out. I understood that it wasn’t a fairy tale world where everybody got a happily ever after. That was not the expectation I held. However, there was some idea that somehow our stories would be filled with amazing moments and predominantly be more positive than negative. 

As I grew, I realized that was not the case for the majority of us. Not only do we not get the Disney World happy ending, there’s also not a 50/50 split of positive versus negative in our lives. Yes, there’s positive and there’s high moments, but there is also a lot more mundane moments in between. Then there are the other moments at the opposite end of the spectrum that are very low. Sometimes the low and mundane outweigh the mountain tops.  

Through these different heart aches that I’ve dealt with I’ve realized that my rose-colored glasses had fallen off of my face and become broken. Still potentially wearable but with cracks that made it hard to see through. Most recently though, they were torn of my face and stepped on again, but they were absolutely crushed and broken into 1000 pieces. It felt completely irreparable. I was broken, like that mower. I just didn’t work right anymore, but thinking about my mower I had a revelation. A revelation that gave me a little bit of hope this evening.

As I sat here, I realized that perhaps I’m broken but I still work. Meaning there is no working right or working wrong. Either it functions or it doesn’t and despite the number of times that my heart has been shattered and glued back together, no matter how many cracks and scars would be evident if you could see it with your eyes (I’m not talking about my literal heart I mean my soul and spirit).  None of that really matters and it doesn’t mean that I can’t love and have joy. I’m not broken and hopeless, even if at times I have felt broken and hopeless.  It just means I go about it in a different way, my heart works differently now, but it still works.

As the case with many other things I write about, I know I’m not alone in this feeling and in this truth. I am not the only one who’s dealt with multiple broken hearts and disappointments in relationships. I’m not the only one who’s had the rose-colored glasses torn off their face and stomped on by other people who were supposed to care and even made promises to care. I’m not the only one who’s felt the absolute numbness and completely empty and hollow feeling, empty in a way that you’ll never be filled again or you can’t imagine you can be. I’m 100% sure that I’m not the only one whose felt broken and thought “I just don’t work right anymore.” That’s why I’m writing this now.  For those like me, to offer you a new perspective and a bit of hope.

The truth is that things never go back the way they originally were, not really. We can’t go back to what we were before the fallout, the heartache, the fears, and the pain. We can’t unsee the things we’ve seen. We can’t unexperience the things that we have lived through. We can’t unhear and unfeel the things that we’ve heard and felt. All of it, our history has already been written and it’s not something we can ever change. What we can change is how we look at today and our future. You see today I realize that I still work. Yes, I still do you see joy and positive things. That wasn’t all taken away from me. I might be a little more cautious and probably act a bit more wisely when it comes to decisions regarding relationships because of the lessons I’ve learned. Yes, my handle probably flips back and forth and is not what it should be. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t work. My heart can still love, I can still see the world in a positive hopeful light, and I can still keep keeping on. There is no deficiency in me.  There’s not in you either.

Maybe you’re like me, that dysfunctional functional thing. That broken yet repaired and still functioning item. Maybe you don’t work exactly like you used to, but you still work. That truth goes for all parts of you whether it’s your heart to love and have relationships, your mind to find peace and courage, or your spirit to persevere and keep fighting.

I challenge you to see yourself in a new way today as I have seen myself. Broken perhaps, but still fully able to live an amazing life. You can walk in freedom, with your head held high because you are exactly as you need to be. Amazing with all your uniqueness because of your experiences and your history. Wiser, because of the lessons you’ve learned. And stronger because of the battles you have faced and overcome. I thank God for reminding me tonight that I’m beautifully broken and that’s not a bad thing. I still work, I just work different now and so do you. Don’t let anybody tell you any different, not even yourself.