Recently, I began keeping a gratitude journal, and I highly recommend it. It helps focus your heart and mind on the positive aspects of life. The journal includes both daily and weekly activities. Interestingly, the weeks I find hardest to complete the weekly activity aren’t the ones you’d expect, which is quite revealing.

Some activities come easily, like describing my inner critic and the negative messages I combat. I finished that one five days early. However, when it asked me to write about what I liked about myself, it took me all week. The following week, I realized I had completely overlooked the last line asking for things I admire about myself. It was blank, which sadly reflects reality.

I’m not sure why it’s so hard to love myself. Maybe it’s because I live in my own head and know myself better than anyone else. Well, God knows me better, but I know myself and don’t like what I see. I dislike my weaknesses, my patterns, and tendencies that cause grief to myself or others. I don’t like that I have to constantly choose to be better because what’s natural isn’t the best.

I’ve told people before that if there’s anything good in me, it’s God. Everything else, all the bad, is me. I saw myself as completely unlikable and found it hard to imagine that God could even love me. Now I know it’s ridiculous and a form of self-loathing. The truth is that it’s hard to explain when or why I came to this conclusion that I’m all the detestable parts, and that there is nothing good in me. Regardless of the cause, it’s a real struggle for me, and I know I’m not the only one. Even as a believer with faith in the Lord, willing to forgive and love others, I find it nearly impossible to feel that way towards myself.

Recently, I had to contemplate what my younger self would think about who I am now. I didn’t like the answer that echoed in my mind. I think she’d be disappointed in me. I’m not where I thought I’d be, and I’m not who I thought I would be. I want to be clear, sharing this with you all is not easy. This is not something I am proud of. I’m being brutally honest here and baring my scarred soul for all to see. The vulnerability of being absolutely transparent in this moment is scary but also freeing. I needed to admit this truth to myself and recognize that perhaps my perception of myself is wrong. I’m acknowledging that I have a problem with self-contempt and harsh judgments towards myself.

On that same page of my gratitude journal that asked what I like about myself, it asked me to ask my family and friends what they thought I was great at. It didn’t take them a week to respond. My children and a few friends were happy to share their thoughts. Straight from my gratitude journal, they think I’m great at friendship, being a mom, leadership, music, cooking, organizing, being a daughter, sister, confidant, worshipper, communicator, listener, joy-bringer, and fun to be around. They also said I’m a great person. I’m not telling you this to boast but to point out that how others see us is often entirely different from how we perceive ourselves.

If you, like me, struggle with insecurity or have high expectations of yourself that you haven’t met, maybe you shouldn’t look at yourself through your own eyes. Just because you perceive it that way doesn’t mean it’s true. Maybe I’m not as wonderful as my friends think, but I’m certainly not as unlovable and not good enough as I think. Maybe my younger self would have liked me. Maybe she’d be proud that I’m resilient, that despite heartbreak and tested faith, I still love and believe. So, I need to choose to love myself today. I need to see myself through someone else’s eyes. Sometimes, it’s okay to find love on the outside and bring it in.

None of us truly loves everything about ourselves. We’re our worst critics because we see and hear every mistake. Instead of beating yourself up, minister to yourself. Be kind and patient with yourself. Have compassion and forgiveness for yourself. I pray you find healing from self-loathing, that you have the courage to offer yourself the same patience and tolerance you give others. Embrace yourself and recognize that God enhances the good in us. Some of the good in you is you, not just God. He didn’t just give you weaknesses; he gave you strengths too. You are worth loving, you are God’s beloved creation, so love yourself today!